It’s June. JUNE. The last blog I wrote was six months ago. Though in some ways it doesn’t feel like I’ve spent a half year away from writing, in others I know it’s been far too long. Every time I’d think about picking up a pad of paper, (I always begin ‘old school’ with paper and a pen), I’d drown in emptiness of thought. What do I even say? There has been so much, yet nothing I could put in words.
As winter finally melted into spring the word Hibernate kept coming to mind. It’s rooted in Latin meaning winter quarters. A state of dormancy. And dormancy means to have normal physical functions suspended or slowed down for a period of time. In many ways, this is where I have been.
During this time I have also thought much about the use of caves during Biblical times. They were often used as graves, places of hiding, and places of refuge or refreshment. Immediately my mind travels to King David in the book of 2 Samuel. Here he lives with his men in the cave of Adullam. This was both a place of hiding from Saul and a place of refreshing after retreat from various battles. These ancient caves could literally become the death of a man or the source of his life. To me, the important question became “how long do you stay in a cave hibernating before it begins to work against you becoming a place of desolation: a slow death?”
Through much of the winter I self isolated. I continued to go to town at least once a week for necessities, occasionally talked to and messaged friends, kept in touch with close family, and stayed active in church. At home I kept up with housework and school. On the outside things appeared normal I suppose. On the inside I withdrew and made the most of my quiet time. I dug up old sermons from ministers who’ve left this earth for heaven. I read my Bible and prayed more. I just tried to be quiet, digging deep in ways I just never had before. I know these are all good things that are sources of strength and life giving fountains for days ahead. However, as winter drug on I began to feel the need to leave my ‘cave’ and reengage with the world around me. Like a bear I suppose. At the same time the comfort and safety of a reclusive lifestyle suits me; too well. Despite all I had learned and the ways I had been strengthened, grey areas where I began to feel “dead”, for lack of a better word, began to encroach. I know God is the source of my joy and strength so I cried out in these moments saying things like “I can’t do ‘this’ anymore”. ‘This’ being a general sense of feeling passion and purposeless. My hibernation was quickly becoming a prison.
A few weeks ago I attended a women’s conference with my mom and a young lady from church. We had made arrangements for this several months ago. Yet, as the day arrived I felt the familiar pull to back out. It would be much easier to just not go. There were many reasons why staying home would feel safer, more convenient, less expensive….deep down I knew I needed to go. I knew there was something God wanted to say to me; things He wanted to complete in me that He’d been working on all winter long.
As I sat there waiting for the first service to begin saw the theme for the weekend illuminated on the overhead over the stage. “From the Ashes”. It was hard to hold back my tears as I read it. Where I was inside was on full display. Ya, God’s got our number. Don’t think for a second that He doesn’t. He sees where we’re at. Where we’re strong and where we’re struggling. He sees the places He longs to breathe life back into and the ashes He desires to resurrect.
During one of the services the definition for discouragement was given. It is the loss of confidence. Hopelessness. Despair. Feeling intimidated. Beat down. Afflicted. Dismayed. Distressed. While not all of these words described me, there are some that did…and we were encouraged to not accept a single one as God is not the author of these in any form. In my cave meant for refreshing I had lost my confidence in other areas. Then these other negative words were given an entrance to my life.
By the time we headed home that weekend I had the refreshment I had been longing for. The foundations built in hibernation now have the life, joy, and purpose to hold the walls of what God is trying to build in me during this season of life.
So if you have found yourself in a season feeling lifeless or lacking a sense of purpose, call out to the One who holds every answer you need.
creatingalovelyhome 
Ah, similarly, the winter season of a new “normal” has nudged me out of my cave. After the end of 52 years union with my soul mate, widowhood is showing me my life long preference is the security, safety, and even contentment of the cave. I’d venture out in the shadow of my soulmate. He would cover for my lack of interest in social interaction on a greater level. While I am naturally inclined to enjoy the quiet spaces, I am forced now to find a new means of engaging in a world without that comfort of being in someones shadow. It’s still an unpleasant place for me, but, I am stumbling forward, forced to interact as an individual, all on my own. A different twist on your topic, but I understand the well written thoughts on that solitude, and the care that must be taken not to let it be a place of life diminishing darkness. Push on my Friend. And appreciate with me how graciously good, and gentle our Abba Father nudges us out of that solitude.
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